There’s Nothing I want Now

Fukushima, that night

I feel like I’m done too, Shun. I think it’s because I don’t know what else to do to prove to him that I’m ready. It’s already difficult to feel like I don’t mean anything to him, even though I know that isn’t true. I don’t know where my mindset should be.

I mean, I’m not sure I would say no to the possibility of going on another date with someone. But I wouldn’t do it to spite Dai. At least, I don’t feel that way now.

Knowing I’m going to Japan again this fall, I don’t want to tell him I’ll be there. I was there for a whole year last year to prove to him I could live in Japan.

“No” can have so many meanings, but they all end up meaning yes.

Like when I told him “no” to sharing the chocolate I bought for him for his birthday. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wanted him to have something from me all to himself. I want him and me to have each other all to ourselves: a gesture, a commitment, a knowing that something sweet like chocolate is more than just chocolate.

An offering.

Here, love. Take me. Take me into you. I want to dwell there.

Ryota knows this through his café mocha, a symbol of connection. But Ryota, why did you stop making them for Gensei? You could have come up with another coffee drink, a special for Kazuto. Sometimes in love, you can’t have a one-track mind.

And I’m not trying to have one, but it’s so hard to hold all this love in one place.

There have been three other Japanese guys I’ve been interested in, but I don’t know if they’re interested in me. I wonder if this is karma for treating that guy badly that a friend set me up with on a blind date. I never apologized, but I should have. I regret that I didn’t.

It’s so easy to lose a connection.

Then coffee, or chocolate — these symbols of connection — only remind me how fragile all of this is.

Be exclusive to me. Only to me.
I can be exclusive to you. Only to you.

When Dai gave Shun the head massage, I immediately thought about the evening we spent together in Fukushima. You said you weren’t feeling well, and I didn’t understand why you didn’t change the plan so we could meet another day.

Another way you surprise me.

I know you feel comfortable with me, but I didn’t realize how deep that comfort ran until then . . . that you see me as someone who can take care of you.

I can.

Trust me, I can.

Like Kazuto with Ikuo, I saw you in another light.

While giving you that head massage, I kept thinking about the groups of salarymen who came into the okonomiyaki restaurant. After they sat down and got comfortable, they started making jokes about men sharing umbrellas because it was raining so hard outside. I wanted to make a bad joke about headaches and umbrellas to you, but I didn’t.

And I didn’t kiss you on the forehead as I should have. It would have made the pain go away.

“I don’t want to be passive in love.”

Ryota, please know that I feel what you’re going through. Since I’ve been back in Chicago, I can’t stop thinking about him.

I’ve never cried this much in my entire life.

What’s wrong with me?
Who should I call for help?

Is this what a love monster goes through?

Shun, why didn’t you raise your hand?

Even when I raise my hand to wave goodbye to him, there’s still more that I want now.

Us sharing an umbrella together, stumbling back to the same place, laughing because the umbrella isn’t helping at all. We’re getting soaked.

Us, and the beauty of saturation as connection.

Everything I want now.

You.
Us.